Reflections
by erraticmemory
Summary: In the moments after her death Siva reflects on her lifes experiences and questions where it all went wrong.
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

They say that at the moment of death you see a white light. That had always been of some strength to me, I knew that when my time ended I'd have some final task to strive to fulfil. To move towards the light and once there I'd find everyone again. My mother, my father. True happiness waiting for me in the ever after.  
Only none of that happened. Instead there was nothing. An eternal void of nothingness, one where I was left to comprehend my past, and lack of a future. An empty space of darkness where all the lost souls go, totally alone yet never in peace.  
So what does one do here? Think. Think about those you cared for, those you've lost and hoped to see. Think about how everything you'd always believed in was now shattered by the very thing that was happening all around you. Nothing. Think about how my life had been snatched from my hands and cut short due to my sister's jealousy. This is my story. The story of my life, the story of my hopes and dreams and how the creation of a twisted genius helped


	2. Part 1

**Part 1**

I remember it all as if it was yesterday. Well I guess that's not really the correct thing to say, because, well it could indeed have been yesterday, similarly it could have been years ago. Time doesn't seem to be of much importance anymore. I don't even know what time is. Funny that, our whole lives are spent worshipping a clock and then when we finally meet our end our time stops, forever. However long ago it was the point is the memories are still as clear as ever. We'd been through so much together, Java, Ebony and me. We'd never been a close knit bunch, I was always waiting for one of them to turn around and stab me in the back, it just so happened that it was Ebony that did that more often than not and Java was always there to pick up the pieces and help me through it. What's that thing they say about middle children? They're always ignored? Well welcome to my life.  
It wasn't easy growing up with Java and Ebony, one of them always had problems and the other one was always the cause of them. I was a go between. I constantly had Ebony moaning in one ear and Java moaning in the other. Then something changed, Ebony grew up a bit, she became more scheming. Suddenly it wasn't Ebony versus Java, it was Ebony versus me. And that terrified me.  
I suppose I should have expected it, Ebony was always out for number one, not bothering who she hurt to get what she wanted and suddenly me and Java were the ones who got hurt all the more often. Maybe I was too much of a push over, but I could see that sweet little girl that was my sister in her, I could remember helping her as she grew up, fighting her battles, that scared girl that needed protecting at school when we moved just before the virus got really bad. I guess that's what did it, the virus. Everyone was on their own, in the time that we needed family more than ever Ebony changed. I tried so hard to make her the sister I knew she was but I couldn't and me and Java were left out in the cold. That's when we found Ram. But that's a different story. This is about how I died so I guess we need to skip forward a few years.  
Liberty. The place I died, the place my dead, lifeless body lies. I don't quite know how I ended up there, it all happened so fast but it was the one place I've been completely happy. I could never say that until I got there. At Liberty I found friends and a purpose. A chance to clean the slate with old foes, a chance to see some good in Ram as we worked to free the city from Mega, something I'm never going to see come about. Sitting with Ruby one night made me realize how happy I was there. We were talking about Ebony and Java and then suddenly something in my head clicked. It didn't matter about them. Why would it? I was somewhere safe where I had friends who understood me. Granted friends meant Ruby, but still, I hadn't had a proper friend since the virus. Sure there was the Mall Rats but they never really accepted me. Ruby did. And to my surprise Liberty gave me something else, the chance to reconcile with my sister. And that was the one that truly baffled me.  
"Stand up to her Siva, tell her you're not going to put up with it anymore."  
The words uttered by the man I love, or loved rather. Can you talk in the present tense if you're dead? I suppose I have Lex to thank, if he hadn't said those words I'd of never gone to speak to Ebony and I'd of never found the sister I lost.  
I repeated what I was going to say over and over in my head, "I'm drawing a line in the sand and you're not going to cross it." And then when I said it to Ebony she burst into tears. There she was! The helpless little girl I'd spent my life helping. She was there. What a shame I didn't get to see just how much of my sister was left within her. Something I needed Java to see, something I never got her to see.  
We all knew it was coming to a head and we needed someway for it to end. But I don't think anyone was prepared for how it did eventually end. I'll spend the rest of the time I have reflecting regretting that. When we found out what Java was planning my heart sank. I couldn't let it end up that way, I just couldn't. I needed Java to see. I don't know what came over me but as soon as I saw Java there ready to shoot suddenly my life wasn't important anymore.  
"Give it up Java if there's any blood shed around here you'll be responsible."  
Ruby's words were nothing to Java. A life time of jealousy had left her bitter and twisted, but if only she could see what Ebony was like again she'd be alright. Maybe that's why I jumped in front of Ebony. The second I saw Java drop her hand and that red bullet fly from the zapper something came over me. I had to save Ebony, to make Java see. Suddenly my life wasn't important any more.  
"Promise me you'll make up you two."  
My last words. Wasted now aren't they? I can't blame Ebony, she wanted me to die happy thinking her and Java would make up, that the reason I died wasn't for nothing. If I could have said anything else before I died it would have been telling Lex how I felt about him. But that's another part to this story. This ones about how jealousy took my life from me. I don't know how I knew Java died, it was just something I could sense. I'd half expected to find her when I ended up, well wherever I am, but no. All alone. Left to tell you another part of this story another day. The story of how I met Ram.


	3. Part 2

Part 1

**Part 2**

Before I get into the meeting Ram story there's a couple of things you should know. I'm not trying to reason what I did when I was with him but I'm trying to make you understand. I need you to understand. I know the Techno's did some horrible stuff but hopefully I can show you that I didn't know about it and give reasons for why I went along with the stuff I did know about. I'll give you the short version of my reasons: Ebony. She tried to have me and Java wasted so she could claw her way to the top of the Locusts and get what she always craves – power. Funny thing is when she got rid of me and Java we got what she'd always wanted, power and a lifestyle unimaginable in this new world. Anyway, when your own sister tries to have you killed it kind of makes you go a bit, crazy? I don't know, hopefully by the end of my life story you'll understand. I guess if you're still listening now that's something. So lets talk about my husband. Ram.  
At first life with Ram was brilliant. I admired his genius, his will to survive and make a better life for everyone in this new world, and that's exactly what me and Java agreed to help him do. It wasn't until I saw how far he was willing to go to make this better life that I doubted my decision to join him. Ram found me and Java alone on the outskirts of the city, alone and desperately in need of food. In those days he wasn't too high and mighty to be out on the ground with the troops. He stopped and showed us kindness, something unheard of in them days. He took us to his HQ not too far outside the city and gave us food and shelter. He didn't even ask for anything in return. That's the man I admired, the man I agreed to marry and before I knew what was happening I was marrying him. Not a normal marriage by any stretch of the imagination, but a marriage none the less. One kiss, that's all I got off him and then he rushed off to work on our wedding present, that's when that kind man changed, changed into what he was when I died. A psychopath.  
Early cyberspace experiments caused him to become a cripple. The loss of his legs changed him, warped his mind. I wasn't sure whether it was because of the cyberspace or the shock of becoming paralyzed that did it to him but whatever it was I pitied him. I still do, or did. This is going to get really confusing isn't it? Lets just keep talking in the present tense, at least for my sanity. So as I was saying I pity him. That poor man. I can still hear the screams when something went wrong. He never told me what program he was working on when it happened, but part of me felt guilt. It was a wedding present for me that caused him to end up that way. That's the story of how Java married him. I was so guilt-ridden over what had happened to him that I avoided him for weeks. Java cared for him, as he had once cared for us, and before I knew it I was being bridesmaid to Java as she married my husband. How did that one happen? I guess I'll never know what happened with her and Ram while I avoided him, I don't think I really want to know either but her marrying Ram didn't bother me, because it wasn't my Ram anymore. The man who helped me, cared for me when I needed it most wasn't him. This Ram was a man with a terrible temper. I feared what might happen to me if I objected to Java marrying him so I went along with it. Besides, it wasn't really a marriage in this world beyond whether or not we said we were husband and wife. During the months that followed any trace of the man I married disappeared. I became more of a nurse than a wife. Why I went along with it I don't know, I suppose I felt like I had some debt of gratitude to pay, as well as guilt. I didn't admire this man though, far from it. I feared him. I'll admit that now. Being with Ram terrified the living hell out of me. I longed to be touched in the way he used to touch me, to be admired for my body, to be wanted. After his accident I saw him look at me once in that way before his fixation on cleanliness and germs eventually took a hold of him and completely destroyed my Ram. Just before we invaded the city I realized every trace of the man I loved was truly dead, sure he still looked like the man I'd fallen in love with but not a piece of him remained.  
During the months after the accident the Techno's plans quickly changed. At first we were going to invade the city on peaceful terms, not scare away the "virts" – Ram's term for any non-Techno – we were going to come and help. Liaise with the tribal leaders, form a tribal council with the Techno's providing the technical knowledge, restoring the power and the water. Making the streets safe through law and order, maybe even making it safe for people to return to their homes. I longed for the chance to go back home, see my old room once more. I don't know how the plans changed so much, I think it lies in the zappers. The weapon that killed me. Ram's father was in the military and had been working on experimental technology – stun guns. That's what the zappers started off as until Ram discovered through early tests he'd enhanced them enough to kill people. Suddenly the device he'd perfected to help enforce law and order through stunning those who were seen as a threat was transformed to a weapon that could kill those who were seen as a threat. And that's exactly what they were used for. We invaded the smaller towns and villages outside the city first, rounded up the virts and shipped them off to work camps, or so I was told. I later found out Ram performed sick experiments on them. Please understand I didn't know about any of that. If I'd of known your friends and family were being used as guinea pigs I'd of done my best to stop it, to send them back to you. I know I helped take them prisoner but I didn't know that's why they were needed. While all this was going on the city was under control of The Chosen, we didn't want a city full of brainwashed virts so Ram decided to wait. Wait for the city kids to fight back against The Chosen and get their lives back to normality, wait for them to drop their guard once more before we came and took over. I tried, so many times I tried, to make Ram change the plans – make the tribal council he planned, have us there as a service for the city kids, but the Ram that planned that had gone. He hated the city now, he wanted vengeance for what they'd put him through before the virus and the only way he was going to get that was through a takeover…


End file.
